How To Make Love

Tuesday Jan 08, 2008
Lots of couples complain they don't feel loved by their partner. Yet when asked what would make them feel loved, people are often unsure. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall offers advice on communication that will help you identify the needs of both of you.

Sometimes the way someone shows love is not what makes their partner feel loved. For example, one person may show love by looking after their partner's practical needs, when what the partner longs for is a hug and tender words.

This exercise should help you and your partner think about the things you need to feel loved.

Preparation 

You'll need two sheets of paper, a pen and about 30 minutes undisturbed time.

You'll get most from this exercise if you and your partner do it separately and then share what you've learnt.

If your partner's not keen, it's still worth doing, as it can help you feel more confident about asking for what you need.

What to do

First take a sheet of paper and write: "As a child, I felt loved when..."

Next, write down as many things as you can think of. Your list may include things a parent or carer said. You might remember physical affection, time spent with you, presents bought. Or perhaps it was someone cooking your favourite food or doing your paper round for you.

On a second sheet of paper write: "I feel loved when..." and write down all the things you can think of that your current or previous partner(s) have done that make you feel loved.

Have a look at the list and think about which things you prefer. Next time you find you're not feeling loved, remember what you've written and ask your partner to show their love in a way that's more meaningful to you.

Tip: If you're struggling to think of things for your lists, try reminiscing with some old photos, or remember how you were cared for when you were unwell.